Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NLT
7 years ago today I went on a date with this goofy guy on a whim. 4 years ago today he asked me to marry him and I said "FOR SERIOUS?" and then yes. 3 years ago today I said "Totally" instead of "I do."
AND I still Totally DO!
I love this man beyond the edge of reason. He is my better half and my life is not complete without him. We have been through so much together. Loss of family members, loss of stuff (through 3 floods), health issues, financial issues, and on and on and on.
But we take our vows seriously and have stuck together through all of it. I love him more today than I did the day I married him. I thank God for that.
We found God together, we found faith together. We found a firm foundation that cannot be shaken and I am so thankful for it.
He loves me just as much and I rest in that. I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. He shows me daily and he tells me daily. Today he set about 6 different reminders in my phone, they haven't all gone off yet, but they all tell me in different ways how much he loves me and how thankful he is for me.
God has blessed us with 3 amazing children, with a strong relationship, and with love abundant. I am thankful today for our marriage, but mostly I am thankful for Jonathon. He showed me what real love is.
This is me 5 years ago today. Notice the terrified look on my face?
This is me with my prize after 14 hours of labor and a C-Section.
My Adam Bomb came screaming into the world at 11pm, 11-8-2012. He changed my world completely. He took me from being a girlfriend, daughter, and sister to a MOTHER.
He is the light of my life and every moment of the last 5 years has been fantastic. He is a sweet boy and he is a momma's boy. I wouldn't change a thing about it.
He has taught me as much as I have taught him. We are growing together and learning together. He says things every day that make me laugh and make me think. He loves God and his simple faith is inspirational to me.
He always says exactly what he is thinking. He is honest to the point of being too honest sometimes, he has no guile.
I have no idea how I got so lucky. But I am truly blessed to be able to say that Adam Flynn Henson is my son.
The picture here is my babies on the day that changed my life. I love them all dearly, but little Ethan (in the middle) is my superhero. He saved my life, literally.
Forewarning, this post may be really long and you probably already know the story, but I need to get it out.
The day this picture was taken was a PERFECT day. It was Sunday, we'd had a great church service and Jonathon decided to skip work so that we could spend the day together. We went to Walnut Ridge and Jonathon, Justin, and Cody were disc golfing, the kids and I were along for the walk. It was fantastic, it was peaceful, it was everything a summer day should be.
We went home to continue the fellowship and had chicken and noodles for dinner (this would be my favorite meal) and about an hour and a half later I had the gall bladder attack that put me in the hospital. I had been having attacks while I was pregnant but there was nothing they could do because of the baby. I had been thinking on this fantastic day that maybe I didn't need to follow up with the surgeon, it had been almost three weeks since Ethan was born and I hadn't had another attack, maybe the problem resolved itself.
I WAS WRONG!
Jonathon took me to the hospital and I couldn't even talk because of the pain, it was awful. They pumped me full of drugs and did an ultrasound, I begged the tech to find stones or inflammation so that they would take my gall bladder out. No way I could live through this again. Be careful what you wish for.
The original ultrasound I had while pregnant showed that I had some stones but they weren't blocking anything and I had a cyst on my liver. No big deal, it should go away. Well this one was different. The cyst was not on my liver, it was very large and on my pancreas. They were not going to remove my gall bladder and in fact were admitting me for more testing. I have to be honest, I did not care about a stupid cyst on my pancreas I wanted my gall bladder out right away. They admitted me anyway.
The next morning I had a CT, Jonathon hadn't made it back to the hospital yet when the doctor came and saw me with the results. They didn't really know what it was, but just that it was very large. What they thought it was, is not good and very rare. I was told to contact my family because this was serious.
WHAT? I'm 28 years old! I just had a baby! WHAT IS GOING ON?
They kept me another day and did an MRI. A GI specialist came in to see me and said she wanted to do an endoscopic ultrasound in a week and biopsy it. We wouldn't have results for another week after, then they would decide what to do. I was not okay with this, why not just take it out? I'm in the hospital already, just do it.
Then Dr Franko came in. He said he felt that I had a Mucinoid Cystic Adenoma, it is a horomone fed TUMOR and it occurs in women my age, it is very rare. It is very large, at least 11cm across. It is on the tail of my pancreas and has infiltrated all of the vessels going to my spleen. My spleen is enlarged and has to come out. He couldn't tell if it was in my stomach or just pushing on it, so I may lose part of that as well, also it has infiltrated my aorta, if he can't repair it he will take part of my carotid and patch it. I am going to lose about 40% of my pancreas, I will probably end up being diabetic, it has to come out, surgery is Friday.
I couldn't talk, I couldn't think, I was numb. Jonathon had to handle all phone calls, I couldn't do it. All I could think about was my babies. What if I died? How would Jonathon raise them alone? Why?
That was Tuesday and they sent me home. For a surgery this extensive I had to go to a different hospital and I was going to be there for a week. I wasn't going to be allowed to pick my newborn up for at least two weeks after. I wasn't going to feel like doing anything most likely.
To my husband's everlasting credit, he was a ROCK. I mean steady and strong the whole time. If he wasn't he certainly didn't show me. I spent most of the next couple of days crying and begging God to fix this. I was a mess.
My friend Michelle was my other rock, as soon as she found out she was on the scene, mothering me and my family and keeping us focused. She was at the hospital all day for surgery, she brought snacks, she prayed, she kept my Mom and my husband out of their own heads. After surgery she decorated my room and organized a meal train, she was and is always there for me.
Joanna gave me her flip book of bible verses. I tried to sneak it into surgery with me but that wasn't happening. This is my favorite verse and I think it's my life verse.
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord always for the Lord God is the eternal rock. Isaiah 26:3-4
I still recite it to myself at least daily.
Needless to say, I made it to the other side, I am healed and I am whole. The tumor was not cancerous, it was bigger than they thought and he had to take about 50% of my pancreas but that's okay. My stomach was fine and he was able to repair my aorta.
The day we found out I didn't have cancer and that I was going to be fine, Jonathon looked at me and said "Thank you for not dying, please never scare me like that again."
The new problem was the scar. It took me several days in the hospital before I looked at it and I did NOT like it. It was ugly and HUGE, from one side of my belly to the other. I didn't want Jonathon to see it, I certainly didn't want him to touch it.
I've gained a new perspective on it.
You see without the bible, without the prayers, without the music, without the support of my church, family, and friends we never would have made it through this.
As I was listening to this song this morning I looked in the mirror and I looked at my scar and I realized that it's just a reminder of how much God loves me. How much he loves my family. Today I am thankful for Ethan for ruining my gallbladder and I'm thankful for my beautiful scar and how it reminds me that God has ALWAYS ALWAYS GOT ME!
The other day I asked God to yell at me. Give me a clear cut sign, show me what I am supposed to be doing. Show me the path you want me and my family on.
I feel like I'm in limbo, just here, just waiting for that sign or answer. It's an interesting place to be and a subject that has come up a lot this week.
Women's bible study was all about the potter and the clay. Who am I to yell at the potter and tell him what I am?
That tells me, even though I'm waiting, God is still watching.
Is he just waiting for his right moment? That moment that will give him the most glory, or is he waiting to see what I'll do. He knows already of course and he knows me.
I am a perverse creature, sometimes I really like to take the long hard way. I think I just get more satisfaction at the end, I feel like I've accomplished more somehow.
However, I'm sick of it. I am tired of the drama of it, I am tired of fighting for everything, I'm tired of banging my head against brick walls. Oy. Vey.
Why not just take the easy way and LISTEN to what God is telling me?
That's the hard part about waiting, I am and always have been very impatient. My first inclination, if I'm not getting the answer I want, is to do whatever I want. To go my way. This is why I take the long hard road.
So, maybe it's about what I do WITH the waiting time.
This song is the other reason that waiting has been at the forefront of my mind. Every time I start to get impatient it just pops into my head.
What am I going to do with my waiting time?
I am going to worship, I am going to serve, I am going to OBEY what my Father is telling me and wait. I am going to keep praying and keep reading my bible, keep doing those things that draw me closer to him, instead of giving up like I normally do.
Well, if you want to be technical it's actually 830, but I couldn't resist the quote. It has been a whirlwind day already and it is so early. God just picked today and said, Stephenie, today is the day.
Okay, I'm listening.
First I heard "Forever Reign" twice this morning while I was getting ready. It is such a fantastic song and I believe I've spoken about it before. Ya know, in my loooooooong history of blogging. Insert sarcasm here.
The riches of your love, will always be enough.
The last couple of days that mean monkey (satan) has been trying to get back into my head. Ugh. Anyway, Jonathon is stressed about, well, what else, money. Me having a baby and going on maternity leave, the kids being sick and fussy, having a place to live, etc..... The list could go on forever and ever.
But really, who wants that nonsense?
Because he's stressed and off his game, I'm stressed too. Yuck. Then the kids are stressed because mommy and daddy are. It's just a vicious cycle.
The riches of your love, will always be enough.
That's the line that hit me this morning. Who cares about that other nonsense, I've got Jesus. I am his BRIDE. He wants more for me than I can ever imagine, I just have to get out of the way and let him do it.
So, now I'm working on the surrender part.
I read my devotion for the day and the very last verse strikes me, just reaches out and grabs hold. It will not let go.
Mark 7:37 They were completely amazed and said again and again, “Everything he does is wonderful. He even makes the deaf to hear and gives speech to those who cannot speak."
EVERYTHING HE DOES IS WONDERFUL!
That just bears repeating over and over, everything he does IS wonderful.
I am being refined, I am being made into something precious and pure and fit for a king. Everything that happens through that process is for his glory and it is wonderful.
The simple truth of that alone has me smiling and full of joy today.
Isaiah 48:10 says "I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction."
There was a revival at my church this weekend and the evangelist, Pastor Rick Bonfim, pounded this into our heads. I think it means something different for everyone but for me it marked a turning point. In a very good way.
It all started Friday night, the worship was off the hook, then we sang some old hymns, then Rick preached. He had an altar call at the beginning and the end of the service. There are not even words to express the atmosphere in the church. During the altar call, Bob the Intern prayed over Jonathon and I, he prayed things there was no way he could have known, had God not spoken to him. Which was amazing all by itself.
Then Rick came over, he didn't pray over us, he prayed over me, he made Jonathon put his hand on my belly and then Rick put his hand on my head and made me breathe deep. He literally prayed Satan out of me. There is no other way to describe it, he prayed that God would make me realize that I'm his and the devil CANNOT have me, not now, not ever.
There is no struggle, God wins.
And he just kept doing it.
Saturday night we had a prayer tunnel, 20 different people prayed over me that night. It was beautiful, God was there. GUMP (our praise band), sang most of the songs in their repetoire that night, all of us were like groupies, standing at the front of the sanctuary dancing and praising through it all.
But the part that got me was Jonathon.
See about a year ago I couldn't get my husband to church. I shamelessly used our son performing with the other kids on Palm Sunday to get him there. Then he came back on Easter Sunday and his life was changed. Now, I couldn't get the man away from the church if I wanted to. But the changes in him are just amazing.
Saturday night he went up and relieved people in the prayer tunnel so they could take a turn going through as well. I had every intention of doing this but when he went up there I fell back into my chair, sobbing, praying, and praising God. I am so richly blessed.
One of the things Rick said that night was that angels of the Lord are camped around those who fear him. I imagine all of these angels standing in an impenetrable circle around me, it's beautiful.
Jonathon may not have a job, we may not have a home, or much else materially. But we have eachother and a relationship built on a foundation that cannot ever be shaken, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God will provide.
Sunday was bittersweet. The end of this revival brought me sadness, I wish it could go on forever, but I am so full of joy that I just want to dance. The sermon was about having faith, about how our faith moves the heart of God, about what God wants for us. That day I was told that God loves me, is blessed by me, is proud of me, and he wants me to overcome. I believe it with my whole heart.
See I had let Satan take a stronghold in my life. I let him use my family, my past, and our current situation against me.
He has now been told that he can't have me and I will not let him. I see him for what he is, a monkey flinging his own crap. He's not going to hit this mark anymore, I am done with it.
I know that right now, I am, and my family is being refined. It may take 20 years, it may take more, it may take less. It doesn't matter. It's for God's glory and I can't wait to see what he does with me and with us. If what has happened already is any indication, it's going to be amazing.
For a long time I've struggled with having a blog, should I, shouldn't I? What would I write in it, would anyone read it, do I want anyone to read it?
I've decided I really don't care all that much. I so need a place to get my thoughts and emotions out of me and this seems like a theraputic way to do it. I don't know how much I'll be on here but we'll see. It all depends on what God puts on my heart. Seems to be when he REALLY has something to say to me, like in BIG, BOLD, TERMS, I cannot keep it in. I just have to get it out.
Right now, he's speaking to me, more like yelling, but he's definetely there and he's about to give me a Gibb's slap, I'm sure.
See, the last couple of months have been exceptionally wearing on my family. I'm pregnant, 4.5 months now, and that's a whole load of emotions by itself. Throw in the fact that we are searching for a new place to live (our's is DEFINETELY not conducive to having a third child) and my husband is trying to find a job (he stays home with the kids), and we only have one car. That just means there's a lot of stress right now.
I've had a really hard time hearing God. I haven't been praying, I haven't been reading my bible, I haven't been walking my walk, I'm not fully in this relationship with my heavenly father right now. The sad part is that I know it and I want to change it so badly. I ache deep within me for that connection, for that peace, for that joy. I just can't seem to get there.
I have a giant God sized hole in my soul.
And I'm tired of it.
I'm going to steal something from my friend Michelle here and I hope she will forgive me, it's just been stuck in my head since church yesterday and I can't get rid of it. The praise band sang SMS Shine by David Crowder Band. It's a beautiful song, it moves me straight to my core.
But there's one line in the chorus that gets me every time, it just makes me cry. It is THE cry of my soul at this time.
"Pull me up I, need to be near you"
I so so so need to be near God now. He is the ONLY way, I cannot do this on my own.
So, I'm blogging to hold me accountable, I want this heart to be overcome and completely obedient to my Lord.
